I feel like people look at me like I’m a dwarf in a lamb costume offering them some almonds every time I mention that I’m bisexual.
This awkward silence hangs in the air. What is that? Is it really that odd? It’s like I’ve laid a rubick’s cube on the table and told them “Figure that one out.” Everything that comes out of their mouths next is completely and obviously censored so that they won’t hurt my half-gay feelings.
Here’s the thing, Ben Stiller: You don’t have to get all fucking awkward on me here. I’ll answer the questions that you cannot ask since your soul is burning with unnecessary humiliation.
1. Are you sure you’re not just gay?
Answer: I’m pretty positive. I was just saying the other day that I found Gandalf to be particularly arousing. But that’s a separate issue.
2. But why didn’t you tell me earlier?
Answer: Because, quite honestly, it’s none of your business unless I make it your business.
3. Should I be worried?
Answer: No. If I wanted to slay your vag, you would have known by this point.
4. How do you know which gender you prefer?
Answer: I don’t. The human factor comes into play here. If someone tickles my mind and heart in just the right way, I’ll want to be with them simply because they are wonderful.
5. Do you think you’re going to hell?
Answer: If I believed in hell, I don’t think I’d be overly concerned about ending up there. I’m not convinced that I’d be stuck down there with only murderers and rapists and people who enjoy starting fires for pleasure. I’d probably keep to myself and hang out with the unbaptized infants when I felt that I needed to socialize.
6. Do you drive a Subaru?
Answer: No. I’m not a full-on lesbian, remember?
7. Is being bisexual ever a struggle for you?
Answer: Since we’re being honest here, I’ll say that yes, it used to be a major struggle. I did feel that I had to hide it, I did feel afraid of it. For a long, long time. There is something very crushing about keeping such a major part of yourself concealed. And while I’m saying this, I feel that it’s important to tell you that I did not formally “come out.” I simply came to the conclusion that an attraction to beautiful women was part of my character, and I didn’t feel as if I had to warn anybody, you know?
So here’s my nub: Don’t be afraid to share with people the things that add up to make you a whole person. There is no reason to hide behind this mask of normal, because there is no normal. There’s no checklist for identifying as a bisexual, the same way there isn’t a checklist for the gays or for straight people. No story is the same, though we are all saying something similar. It’s okay to be curious, too. Maybe you don’t feel like you identify with any of it. Whatever. All I’m saying is: Stop waiting for people to accept and love you, for it may never happen. Don’t let it make you bitter, because, let’s be honest, you probably don’t even like those people, anyway. Make a conscious effort to give yourself a little love every day; When you fall in love with you, you leave the door open for other awesome people to fall in love with you, too.